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Apologies to my Dad

Commentary: Summer 2006

My Step-Dad died a few years ago. He was the most important and influential person in my life. I try to be as much like him as possible, and if I've succeeded a little, I am that much better the person for it. Anyway; I owe him an apology. He knows about the incident, but I don't think I've every really expressed how sorry I am before and if you're out there Dad... I hope you hear this and accept it.

As you know, when we were young in Sambro, you had this wonderful collection of really old coins you got from your father. I know we were young, but as you know we found them one day and over the course of a few days went down to the store and bought candy with it. I'm very sorry for that. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me and I want you to know how much I'm sorry for that.

I'm also sorry for all those times we got into arguments and how difficult I was to get along with. You had our best intentions at heart and I didn't make things easier for you. I should have and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about rehashing the dentist trip on the day I was supposed to prove to everyone I was the best runner in school. I know it was a mistake by you and that you realize it was, but I'm sorry for continuing to remind you of it. I should have impressed on you the importance of that day more fully. I'm sure you would have rescheduled the dental visit for another day.
I'm sorry Dad for not fulfilling your hopes in me. I'm sorry that I never maximized my potential and made you prouder of me. I'm sorry I goofed off in College. I know those first few years were difficult and a little embarrassing for you as faculty member. I'm sorry for putting you in a position where you couldn't stand around boasting of my intelligence to your fellow professors. I'm sorry for not trying.

I'm sorry for not spending more time with you when I was going to college. You were just a couple of hundred yards away at any time and all I could think about was going to the gym, partying, or hanging out with my friends. I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I'm sorry for being so damned selfish I couldn't take the time to just go and visit. I'm sorry I don't have any time left to do that. I wish so much I could turn back time. I wish I had another chance to drop by your office and say hello and see how things were for you. I'm sorry I was always so wrapped up in my own life that I couldn't grow the heck up and see anything outside my own concerns.

I'm sorry Dad that I wasn't there when Mom left you. I know it was a terribly lonely time for you. I'm sorry I didn't make more of an effort to come visit.

I'm sorry I missed the trip to see your viewing. I'm sorry I couldn't see your face one last time before the funeral. I'm so sorry Dad that you're gone and I miss you terribly and I'm filled with so much hurt because you're not around to talk to anymore, to bounce ideas off of, to discuss intellectual things with. I'm so sorry because time won't bring you back to me, and whatever happened is history and cannot be corrected or balanced. I can't hug you anymore. I can't hear your words of encouragement or praise anymore. I'm alone now that you're gone. I fill my life with all these things that occupy my attention and yet there's still this gaping hole because you're gone. I'm sorry for not being there when I should have been, the way you were with us. I let you down dad. I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. I have two sons that I hope I can, in some small way, give a little of you to them. When they want to do something, I'll try and remember how supportive you were. When they're sad, I'm going to try and remember how concerned you were and what you'd do to help us through it. When they need a strong, steady voice I will try to be more like you so they have less chaos and more love in their lives. I will be there for them as much as I can, just like you, Dad. I will. I promise. I love you Dad, and I miss you terribly. I'm going to try and be more like you, Dad. Please be patient. I'm not made of the same material you are. I will try hard though. I owe you that.

Well; I have to go now. I hope you can hear me somehow. Take care.

Eric

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