It is a common adage that people tend to fall into patterns they're familiar with. When I was young, I evolved into a profoundly insecure boy who felt inadequate in most everything. It is to easy to say this was my parents fault. Certainly, some of it no doubt originated from seeing what my father did to my mother physically and I'm sure some of those scars colored how I saw the world, but at some point you have to move beyond that and be accountable only for yourself. I never used it as an excuse; it was just how it was. My sense of inadequacy came from something I felt I lacked and I can only blame myself. As I got older and started to be attracted to girls, my profound and pronounced desire for them as objects of deification and worship was matched with the sense of inadequacy I felt so that my admirations by necessity had to remain at a distance. I suppose in other times it would be easy to view this as a romantic notion, like the whole unrequited love and chivalric code an