Commentary: Summer 2006.
I've been around awhile, and I've made choices in my life that have led to where I am today. For one reason or another I have a Bachelors degree, but not a Masters or PhD. I have a job that pays the bills, but not enough to feel comfortable and secure. I have had girl friends and wives, behind me now and apart from me. They are in my memories. I have no one that stays a bit and braids their time and memories with mine.
I have seen my best and brightest years behind me and for society, my greatest future contribution will be the taxes I add. This is because I have been systematically emasculated.
When I was young the world was new and everything in it exciting and wondrous. I took walks in the forest and listened to brooks bubble, watched beavers making homes, deer chew bark off of trees, and saw fish swimming upstream in shallow streams. I watched barren lakes frozen over, the snow blowing this way and that, tracing patterns on pristine snow-covered ice. These were times of closeness to nature and a feeling I had a part in it, however small, but as large as anything else because there was no hierarchy; we were all equals. Nature and all it held were my brothers and sisters.
When I returned home and walked to school, I was reentering a stratified structure; a hierarchy that had rules that firmly controlled and permitted access to levels of hierarchy based on arbitrary decisions made within the society. There were parents, and teachers, and bullies, and friends, siblings, pets, and the hunted. There was no one-ness. There were clearly-defined lines of demarcation where you could have access to or not based on a perceived benefit (and hence worth), to society. I learned that races and games were about decided who was better and who didn't measure up. I found I could run faster than anyone and that I was given respect for this, given a higher status within the hierarchy. I could spell better than others and was singled out by being given Fridays off for English, where I could bask in my little glory by going to the school library. I had paper routes that I found adults would praise me for, especially when the weather was harsh. I found I knew things that others didn't and my knowledge became a commodity that allowed me to advance in this hierarchy. I would run and kids would come up to me and ask for autographs. I was given awards at school.
In college a second transformational stage took place. I found that despite my own private status, my introspective ways left me lonely and I had decided consciously to break out of it and forced myself to socialize and interact and take chances with girls as I had never done before. I found out that in college, the stratification of society is stronger than almost anywhere else. I found people that could spell better than me and people that were praised more highly than me, and that the most attractive and popular girls went to the football players and the basketball players. Me in my insecure self found it hard to cope, but I managed and at times flourished, basking in what people now call "Players".
But then, I made choices. I chose to concentrate on socializing myself and finding girlfriends and not to concentrate on school. My grades fell for awhile and after they came back up, I never made the decision to go after a Masters degree. Gaining a girl friend was much more important for me. I did get a girlfriend, who I lived with for a year and dated strongly for another year. Then, I moved to Fort Wayne on a whim. Within a few months I had met a girl that pressed for marriage. I relented, considering that it was my fear itself that kept me back, but I did not press for a good job and eventually found myself in a dissatisfying marriage which lasted a year. I made some hopeful career decisions, but they kept not panning out. While going through the divorce I met another girl and we married.
I worked very hard in my second marriage to fulfill the need to provide. My wife gave birth to two wonderful boys and I became motivated to make sure they had the best life possible. I worked full time and went to school full time to better my prospects. We moved out of her parents, first into an apartment, and eventually to a house. I was working to make the standard American Dream come true. I was doing what was expected of me. I bought a Z28 SS and a Hayabusa when I bought the house. I bought a brand new cavalier for my wife and kids. I had moved into computers and was doing well by many people's standards....
At the same time, things within the bedroom weren't the best. I was the first for my wife and she was young. She wasn't sure what to do or how to feel, and I was not good as good at helping her through it as I would have liked. In this respect, I failed. As a result, it was not the wondrous experience it should have been for her and hangups began to crop up, first with her, and then because I felt I had failed in some way, in me. New insecurities were created that had not been there before. We both became dissatisfied with the whole thing. This was the beginning of my emasculation, something waiting in the wings as a warning. I was shifted to a difference position where I work, one that secured my employment more, but was less pay. I ended up going through a bankruptcy and six months later became part of a statistic when my wife let me know that she had wandering eyes and would not back away from the results. I lost my wife, my fancy car and eventually my dream home. All the motivation I had shown when given a family had been thrown in my face when the results of that motivation showed that I made more than my wife and as a result she was entitled to some of what I made. It was a slap in the face. I was the motivated one; the one that worked full time and went to school full time and now I was giving money to her, when she was the one that was not motivated to go to school or to stay in a job. Now, it I was six years further on and suddenly single. I had leap-frogged the age when I was a wanted commodity, trading it for marriage, and now that she had abandoned me, I had become a scab to be picked off as a nuisance.
In the course of a couple of years, I had become systematically emasculated. I went from high hope and expectations, and sunk to new lows with everything seeming to go downhill at once. It was a hard blow to recover from and now that I am older and single, it's still a hard one to recover from. Now, everyone is looking for greener grass, and for some reason while I am praised for being "a nice guy" (that should have been warning enough), I'm not in some way enough for the demands of a modern society that rewards youth and looks and a good car and a big house. I bomb out terribly on at least three of those counts, and looks alone don't cut it in a world where youth and looks trump older and looks.
Recently, I met a girl. Having motorcycles does seem to make that easier. We never got too serious, but the possibilities were there. I'm sure she was too young, but I tend to be less a judge of a person by their age than some people and I'm always willing to give someone a chance, no matter what their background. Anyway, I wrecked my bike and I haven't heard more than a whisper from her. I suppose since I don't have use of a bike anymore, she has no more use for me. I suppose that paints the kind of person she is, but I'm a sucker and like I said; I give people a chance even if all logic tells me not to. I suppose a part of me believes that all people can be redeemed. And, what does it say that someone can use a motorcycle as a crutch to meet prospects, and what does that say about the type of ponds that I have been dipping my (metaphorically speaking), fishing pole into?
So, in what direction do I turn? My whole family is shouting at me to abandon motorcycles, sounding in my ears ad nauseum the dangers of leaving my two boys fatherless. I suppose I should give up sport bikes because my shoulder makes future activities on them exercises in masochistic pain, but giving up bikes altogether? They saved my sanity when my wife ran out on me. They're part of who I am. My family suggests disowning me and all that, but in doing so they spit on an important part of my life and who I am. I ask them to walk a mile in my shoes before casting such harsh judgement on me. I'm going to take up gold again. I'm going to start biking and when I'm sufficiently healed, will go to the gym and try to get into some kind of shape. But, the pull of riding a bike is strong, and if I want to get a cruiser, who can judge me harshly my desire?
Back on topic:
Now, I'm trying to decide whether I can accept mediocrity. Do I accept that I'll never be particularly successful, famous, or rich? Do I accept that I'll be scratching out a living until I retire? Do I take pride in the small little anonymous victories of the common man? Will I never have more than passing fancies, or will I gain a life partner and friend? Will I find that someone that I click with and wake up to in the mornings and go shopping with and take long walks with or vacation with? What is my lot in life? What awaits me in my final stages of life?
I've been around awhile, and I've made choices in my life that have led to where I am today. For one reason or another I have a Bachelors degree, but not a Masters or PhD. I have a job that pays the bills, but not enough to feel comfortable and secure. I have had girl friends and wives, behind me now and apart from me. They are in my memories. I have no one that stays a bit and braids their time and memories with mine.
I have seen my best and brightest years behind me and for society, my greatest future contribution will be the taxes I add. This is because I have been systematically emasculated.
When I was young the world was new and everything in it exciting and wondrous. I took walks in the forest and listened to brooks bubble, watched beavers making homes, deer chew bark off of trees, and saw fish swimming upstream in shallow streams. I watched barren lakes frozen over, the snow blowing this way and that, tracing patterns on pristine snow-covered ice. These were times of closeness to nature and a feeling I had a part in it, however small, but as large as anything else because there was no hierarchy; we were all equals. Nature and all it held were my brothers and sisters.
When I returned home and walked to school, I was reentering a stratified structure; a hierarchy that had rules that firmly controlled and permitted access to levels of hierarchy based on arbitrary decisions made within the society. There were parents, and teachers, and bullies, and friends, siblings, pets, and the hunted. There was no one-ness. There were clearly-defined lines of demarcation where you could have access to or not based on a perceived benefit (and hence worth), to society. I learned that races and games were about decided who was better and who didn't measure up. I found I could run faster than anyone and that I was given respect for this, given a higher status within the hierarchy. I could spell better than others and was singled out by being given Fridays off for English, where I could bask in my little glory by going to the school library. I had paper routes that I found adults would praise me for, especially when the weather was harsh. I found I knew things that others didn't and my knowledge became a commodity that allowed me to advance in this hierarchy. I would run and kids would come up to me and ask for autographs. I was given awards at school.
In college a second transformational stage took place. I found that despite my own private status, my introspective ways left me lonely and I had decided consciously to break out of it and forced myself to socialize and interact and take chances with girls as I had never done before. I found out that in college, the stratification of society is stronger than almost anywhere else. I found people that could spell better than me and people that were praised more highly than me, and that the most attractive and popular girls went to the football players and the basketball players. Me in my insecure self found it hard to cope, but I managed and at times flourished, basking in what people now call "Players".
But then, I made choices. I chose to concentrate on socializing myself and finding girlfriends and not to concentrate on school. My grades fell for awhile and after they came back up, I never made the decision to go after a Masters degree. Gaining a girl friend was much more important for me. I did get a girlfriend, who I lived with for a year and dated strongly for another year. Then, I moved to Fort Wayne on a whim. Within a few months I had met a girl that pressed for marriage. I relented, considering that it was my fear itself that kept me back, but I did not press for a good job and eventually found myself in a dissatisfying marriage which lasted a year. I made some hopeful career decisions, but they kept not panning out. While going through the divorce I met another girl and we married.
I worked very hard in my second marriage to fulfill the need to provide. My wife gave birth to two wonderful boys and I became motivated to make sure they had the best life possible. I worked full time and went to school full time to better my prospects. We moved out of her parents, first into an apartment, and eventually to a house. I was working to make the standard American Dream come true. I was doing what was expected of me. I bought a Z28 SS and a Hayabusa when I bought the house. I bought a brand new cavalier for my wife and kids. I had moved into computers and was doing well by many people's standards....
At the same time, things within the bedroom weren't the best. I was the first for my wife and she was young. She wasn't sure what to do or how to feel, and I was not good as good at helping her through it as I would have liked. In this respect, I failed. As a result, it was not the wondrous experience it should have been for her and hangups began to crop up, first with her, and then because I felt I had failed in some way, in me. New insecurities were created that had not been there before. We both became dissatisfied with the whole thing. This was the beginning of my emasculation, something waiting in the wings as a warning. I was shifted to a difference position where I work, one that secured my employment more, but was less pay. I ended up going through a bankruptcy and six months later became part of a statistic when my wife let me know that she had wandering eyes and would not back away from the results. I lost my wife, my fancy car and eventually my dream home. All the motivation I had shown when given a family had been thrown in my face when the results of that motivation showed that I made more than my wife and as a result she was entitled to some of what I made. It was a slap in the face. I was the motivated one; the one that worked full time and went to school full time and now I was giving money to her, when she was the one that was not motivated to go to school or to stay in a job. Now, it I was six years further on and suddenly single. I had leap-frogged the age when I was a wanted commodity, trading it for marriage, and now that she had abandoned me, I had become a scab to be picked off as a nuisance.
In the course of a couple of years, I had become systematically emasculated. I went from high hope and expectations, and sunk to new lows with everything seeming to go downhill at once. It was a hard blow to recover from and now that I am older and single, it's still a hard one to recover from. Now, everyone is looking for greener grass, and for some reason while I am praised for being "a nice guy" (that should have been warning enough), I'm not in some way enough for the demands of a modern society that rewards youth and looks and a good car and a big house. I bomb out terribly on at least three of those counts, and looks alone don't cut it in a world where youth and looks trump older and looks.
Recently, I met a girl. Having motorcycles does seem to make that easier. We never got too serious, but the possibilities were there. I'm sure she was too young, but I tend to be less a judge of a person by their age than some people and I'm always willing to give someone a chance, no matter what their background. Anyway, I wrecked my bike and I haven't heard more than a whisper from her. I suppose since I don't have use of a bike anymore, she has no more use for me. I suppose that paints the kind of person she is, but I'm a sucker and like I said; I give people a chance even if all logic tells me not to. I suppose a part of me believes that all people can be redeemed. And, what does it say that someone can use a motorcycle as a crutch to meet prospects, and what does that say about the type of ponds that I have been dipping my (metaphorically speaking), fishing pole into?
So, in what direction do I turn? My whole family is shouting at me to abandon motorcycles, sounding in my ears ad nauseum the dangers of leaving my two boys fatherless. I suppose I should give up sport bikes because my shoulder makes future activities on them exercises in masochistic pain, but giving up bikes altogether? They saved my sanity when my wife ran out on me. They're part of who I am. My family suggests disowning me and all that, but in doing so they spit on an important part of my life and who I am. I ask them to walk a mile in my shoes before casting such harsh judgement on me. I'm going to take up gold again. I'm going to start biking and when I'm sufficiently healed, will go to the gym and try to get into some kind of shape. But, the pull of riding a bike is strong, and if I want to get a cruiser, who can judge me harshly my desire?
Back on topic:
Now, I'm trying to decide whether I can accept mediocrity. Do I accept that I'll never be particularly successful, famous, or rich? Do I accept that I'll be scratching out a living until I retire? Do I take pride in the small little anonymous victories of the common man? Will I never have more than passing fancies, or will I gain a life partner and friend? Will I find that someone that I click with and wake up to in the mornings and go shopping with and take long walks with or vacation with? What is my lot in life? What awaits me in my final stages of life?
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