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Hope is the Air I breathe

Commentary: Summer 2006

Okay, as a result of playing around foolishly on my bike three weeks ago now, I'm off the bike for pretty much the rest of the summer, and of course that sucks.

Anyway, as a result of not being able to ride it now, I've had to reevaluate what the heck I'm going to do. I have this $8,000 Emergency bill (friggin scans cost $4k, can you believe that crap... tell me that's not a racket!). So, of course I'm looking to sell what I can, including the bike. I'm not sure yet how that's going to go down yet, but it's looking that way. Okay... so back to the story...

I have passions and where would we be without them? A person without passions is only half a person. Anyway, I have a ton of passions, but the strongest one is to find a gal that'll hang out and watch movies with me on the couch, or go to walks in the park (like Foster Park?), or something mundane like going to a book store or window shopping at one of the malls). And, while I have had many girls that have started that way, it's been tough for me to find the right girl. Perhaps it's a factor of who I look at and take chances on, I don't know, but Lady Luck doesn't seem to find me that often. However, I don't give up and it's because I have been unlucky and yet a survivor. For me to survive it so often, I've come to realize that Hope is the Air I Breathe. Sex is great (either hot and sweaty with bodies writhing in oily masses, or soft and sensory-rich), but this to me is 5% of what I need. The other 95% is the Love & Companionship. However, because I will not accept compromises just for the sake of loneliness I'm bound to a journey of futility and disappointment, punctuated by brief moments of relief when there is a glimmer of hope that shines through the blackened void that has become this life line of mine. And it's when I reflect on this that I recognize what it means to me. Hope for me is like a glass of water to a man in a desert.

I realize that I have been banished to a life of futile efforts and directed down roads I should not go and I continue to do it not because it's the smart thing to do. I do it knowing fully well that the likelihood of failure is pretty strong. However, without the effort hope can never be anything more than potential without effort. If I don't take a chance it may not realize itself again and I'll not have anyone to blame but myself and I'm not so keen on wallowing in self-pity any longer than I have to. It's the idiot part of me in the back of my head that lives on hope, ever pushing itself to the front and ignoring probabilities and likelihoods. It is the foolish part of me that fights against the storm and refuses to give in to logic. The day I stop hoping is the day my passion dies and the day it dies I die.

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